My guest post today is from Kim, author of The Fordeville Diaries. She recently left her corporate suit behind as she officially transitioned to become a SAHM. Here is a glimpse of her short journey so far, one that I know will strike a chord with many Theta Moms.
I recently left my career to stay at home with my kids. Really recently. As in, two weeks ago. It was a huge change, and one I wrestled with for a long time, for many reasons. For me (since it’s so different for everyone) here’s what had to stop:
- Seeing my kids for less than three hours a day (and that was on a good day).
- Talking to my kids with one eye (and both hands) on the work Blackberry.
- Not having any idea of what was happening at pre-school. I mean, it’s not trigonometry and sex education, but still.
- The feeling of an impending stroke whenever I had to stay home from work for doctors’ appointments, school functions, snow days or a sick nanny.
- Those things don’t make the rest of the company stop functioning and, by extension, stop looking for me.
- The increasing sense that no one thing was being done exceedingly well. It all kind of hung together by a thread toward the end – and it took just one little thing for an unraveling to begin.
{Also, if I never have to pump breast milk in a filthy airplane bathroom somewhere over the Atlantic, amidst significant turbulence, so I can attend a meeting overseas, I will die a happy woman.}
Everyone’s reasons to leave work and stay at home with their kids are different and valid. But it’s a hard leap to make. I went to school for a long time. For a much longer time, I’ll continue to hold the related student loans. I also worked really hard in all of my jobs – nights, weekends, vacations, middle of the night conference calls. I’ve been summoned to my Blackberry after Christmas Dinner. At 4th of July parties. And at countless birthday festivities. It took a long time to get the position I wanted, in the company I wanted.
And now I’ve given it up. It’s gone. That piece of me that was such a big part of my identity is no longer there.
People say “You can always go back.” Surely I can go back to something – but maybe that something is not what I always did. That’s a little scary.
And a little freeing at the same time.
I’ve seen judgment in people’s eyes on both sides of the equation. I’ve heard “Well, it’s nice that you’ll be focused on your kids,” as well as “It’s hard to understand why you’d give up everything you’ve worked for.”
But here’s the deal: I know that I’ve always been focused on my kids, even if I sat at a desk during the week and was held hostage by a Blackberry. I also know that everything I’ve worked for is not dead and buried. It’s just taking a back seat for the foreseeable future. Nothing has to be set in stone — and this thought is what finally set me free.
And you know what? Some of the key skills I needed to succeed at work were the ones I probably refined the most while being a mom. Patience. Delegation. Dispute Intervention. Multi-Tasking. Prioritizing. Selective Response. Authoritative Decision-Making. And, of course, Faking Confidence.
You know that expression – “The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world”? So true. (But not the creepy movie derived from the same title — forget about that. Gah.)
Turns out I was always training to be a mom – I just practiced on adult infants at desks for years beforehand (too bad I couldn’t use time out and a binky on them, though). And then I became a mom, and honing those maternal skills prepared me to do better at work.
What I’m saying is maybe, really, there is no divide. It’s all a matter of which clock you’re punching – the alarm clock, the billable hours clock, the time out clock, your biological clock – at which point in your life.
So. I think we can agree, just two weeks in, that I don’t have a lot of valuable wisdom to impart on making a successful transition between these worlds. But it’s obvious to me that my job is certainly no less important these days, even without a title, a business card or a fabulous suit with heels. The payroll may be lower, but the stakes are far higher.
What about you? I’d love to hear your experiences and perspectives on this. Which clock(s) do you punch and do you think about changing it?
I thought I would know what I was doing after teaching for twenty years. I found I was like a student teacher all over again when I became a mom.
Well said! I think we’ve all felt that way. In some way, I feel a bit like that again staying at home. But maybe more like an intern this time around
I have always worked as a mother and always felt that tug from both sides. I have to say that trying to find the balance now that my kids are older (11,9,4) is even harder. I feel like they need me so much more. Not to change diapers, wipe faces, or get snacks, but to transport them, support them in whatever activity they are doing, listen to them, and to just be present so that I don’t miss some sign because I feel like all the hard work I have put into them could easily be blown apart if I just look the other way for a second.
Luckily my job allows me some flexibility, but it is still so hard.
Kudos to you for making it all work! I’m glad you have some flexibility at work — that’s so important. But, still, it’s an artful juggling act.
What a great post and I love the reference to punching clocks. I gave up work 2 years ago after working on my career for 10 years. Fortunately, I’ve never felt the urge to go back. The thought of my son spending more time with someone else other than me? I can’t imagine that. I’ll have it no other way. I think my path was meant to be laid out this way
Thanks for your comment. It’s definitely hard to have someone else spend more time with your kids. That said, there were many times I was glad to be working. I wish there was a silver bullet!
What a well written post!! It strikes a chord with me. My husband does not have a college degree or student loans and I do. yet he works and I don’t. I have felt guilty for not using my degree and skills to help my family financially and yet I am crippling them with the loans. There is always going to be guilt – whether you are SAHM WAHM or WOHM. But it all comes down to doing what is right for you and your family and telling guilt to go away! In your case I think you made a huge decision, a very difficult one and I believe you will love it deep down. (some days you will wish for the office, I promise that too LOL)
Thanks so much for your comment. You are so right — the guilt seems to find us moms no matter what, doesn’t it? And, yes, there are moments I wish for my office, but not enough to go back
I quit my job also to stay home with my kids and it was the best decision but also very hard.
Thanks Jessica — it’s great to get everyone’s perspectives and experience on this. Definitely not an easy choice in many cases. I’m glad yours worked out so well for you!
I think this is a decision that each and every mom has to make for herself. Each job is different, each family is different, each woman is different. I chose to be part-time employed most of my children’s growing up years. It enabled me to be more present and available and not always torn. Nowadays, with technology, women have even more opportunities than ever to find or create a situation that works for them.
The vision of you having to pump in an airplane bathroom gave me the shivers. What an awful experience!
Good luck on your adventure!
Bernice
13 ways to stay stressed out
Thank you Bernice! I can barely think back to that pumping flight without shuddering — the things we do for our kids
And you are right — above all — different solutions work for different families. I’m glad your part time arrangement has been helpful to you and yours — it sounds great.
I still work and I can’t tell you how much your reasons resonated with me. I think about these things all the time! Great guest post!
Thanks Elena — and hang in there! Hats off to you for juggling it all!
I’ve done both…worked as a mama and now stayed at home with the crew. Both have positives and negatives. It really depends upon each family. But I appreciate you sharing your experience and insight. It’s tough either way you go…and unfortunatley, either way you go, people in society think they get to have an opinion about it. I’m glad your decision makes you happy. you’re kids will LOVE having you all to themselves!
Thanks for your reply! I’m not sure that my kids get it just yet, but I find it funny that my 3 year old continues to ask me when I’m going to get on the train for work every time he doesn’t get his way 😉
Thank you for sharing your story Kim. You are so honest, and were able to really put into words how I felt when I left my career 4 years ago. I was three courses away from my Masters and had already completed my Administrative internship. I was on my way to becoming an elementary school principal. Then I had my first son. I haven’t looked back. I absolutely love being a sahm. We did get into big trouble financially though. So I started a home business and just recently started making money as a freelance writer. Like you, I am unsure of the future, but don’t see myself going back to the stress, responsibility, paperwork, and long, long days with no lunch or potty breaks in the public school setting. Hopefully, before my 2 year old heads to kindergarten, I will match my salary doing all my freelance stuff and the decision will be made for me.
This is a great post. I’m not a mom yet, but I am a kindergarten teacher so I’m surrounded by parents making these kinds of decisions every day. It’s definitely difficult and like you, and others, have said- all you can do is the best you can for your family. I hope the transition goes well for you!
Thanks Kelly! So far, so good — my new pint-sized bosses haven’t fired me. Yet!
Jean, I’m glad you liked the post, and I appreciate hearing your experience! First, I’m just glad to know that *someone* out there is making money doing freelance writing — good for you! But, more importantly, it’s good to hear that you are pleased with your decision and that it works for your family.
I work 3 days a week and on the days I work I feel like our life is crazy. I would love to stay home full-time, but I don’t have the option to quit working all together right now. I try to make the most of my days home with my son by balancing time with him, errands, and housework so that on the weekend we get 2 whole days of family time.
Thanks for sharing your story!
Hi Katie — thanks for your comment! When I was working I always aspired to get through all of the to-do list stuff during the week so that, as you say, weekends could be family time. Unfortunately, I could never quite get there, and it really bothered me after a while. It sounds like, 3 days of craziness aside, you’ve got a really nice combination of home and work time.
Congratulations for setting yourself free and doing what you felt was right for you and your family. Not an easy decision for sure! I turned to become a stay at home mom after my first child was born. It wasn’t easy for me either and hard to admit to many after years of schooling and training (I’m a pediatrician).
Six years later, I am easing back in on a part time basis. I don’t regret it for one single minute. Yes, I’m “behind” in my career but I made that difficult and uncomfortable decision b/c it felt like the right thing to do for me and my family. You are right, it isn’t set in stone.
Again, congratulations and enjoy this journey. Wonderful post.
Melissa, thank you so much! It’s nice to hear that being “behind” in your career was worth it in the end. I believe that too — but I’m still a bit in the surreal/did-I-really-just-do-this phase. I appreciate your kind words of support, and am glad your choice worked out well for your family.
I’ve often thought about quitting my job and being home with my two boys, but for now, those thoughts are purely fantasy. I have the higher education between my husband and me, and thus have the better paying job. And with my husband going back to school, I currently have the only job and am the only source of income for our family. So as much as I would love to stop the craziness and the demanding hours and just be there, be present with my boys, it’s not feasible. At least not yet. Someday, I plan to transition to very part time. But for now, I just continue to punch both clocks.
Katherine, thanks for your reply! I totally get what you’re saying and have been there. I feel fortunate that I am able to do this and it certainly means an adjustment in our lifestyle. Hats off to you for punching both clocks, bringing home the bacon and raising your family — nothing easy about all that.
thanks so much for sharing your story! i’ve worked f/t, p/t, at home, in an office, not at all, etc. since my kids were born seven years ago, and through it all i have wished there were better choices for moms to balance work and kids. and while things are much improved from how they were in the past, i still wish moms didn’t always have to make such tough decisions.
i think you made a great choice and cant wait to hear how your new gig with the pint-sized bosses unfolds.
Thanks Anna! The good news is that the new bosses have agreed to keep me for at least another week. The bad news is that you’re right about women having to make such tough decisions on this topic, which is so unfortunate. If I had the silver bullet to solve this, now *that* would be a hell of a guest post 😉
Congratulations on the new job Kim 😉 Look forward to celebrating in Boston.
I can’t help but mention how unfortunate it is that there isn’t more flexibility in the workplace that you felt you couldn’t take days off or put your Blackberry down. I experienced the same and so have most working moms I know in NYC. Maybe one day these companies with smarten up and realize the benefits (and cost savings) of providing flexibility and retaining TALENT.
Thanks so much — we will certainly raise a glass or two in Boston next month!
You’re right about the flexibility problem for women on the whole. It’s unfortunately rampant — getting better, but not quickly enough. I say this even after having worked for a great company that did a lot for working women. We still end up having to make some tough choices with difficult trade offs.
Funny…after teaching elementary school for years, I thought I knew everything there was to know about raising children. Turns out that a classroom of ten year olds was nothing compared to the challenge of newborn twins.
And now that I feel that I’ve sort of gotten the hang of things…now that I’m a pretty decent mother of three…they go and get all independent on me. So I guess you could say I’m in between time zones at the moment.
This was so well-written…thanks for the food for thought.
Wow. Elementary school teacher and mother of twins plus a third child? You must have the patience gene that I lost in the DNA chain somewhere!
Thanks for the kind words — so glad you liked the post.
Congrats to you and enjoy this time! I gave up a job I worked really hard for to deal with infertility, but I kept my private practice going on a part time basis. After my second arrived, I let my practice go for a while. I am slowly easing back into it. It’s a hard decision for sure. I don’t regret it for one second. I worked hard to have my babies, and I work hard raising them. Someday they will be older and I will probably work full time again, but I will be able to look back and know that I made the right decision for my family at the time. I wouldn’t have it any other way!
Katie, thanks for replying. Great perspective. I’m glad to hear it worked out this way for you!
My transition has been more gradual and a lot less conscious, but so much of what you have expressed here (I went to school for so long! My career was my focus over 15 years!) ring true for me. It’s been four years now and I STILL identify myself as a high school teacher. Thanks for this.
Thanks Kristin. I’m so glad it resonated. I wonder how long it will be before I stop reaching for my now-non-existent work Blackberry. I still do it several times a day.
Perfectly said.
Good for you for identifying something that wasn’t working and making a change!
Thank you, Leighann — I appreciate it!
This is a fantastic post that I completely relate to. I became a Stay At Home mom after many years of working. Once I was pregnant with baby #2, I quit my job. I’ve been happier ever since. And, you’re right. Some of the skills that get you ahead in a career are very handy at home with a baby too.
Thanks so much. I still think some of my worst office days would have been much better if the grown infants could have been put in a time out